Thursday, October 29, 2009

Bad Parent Trappings

Kate Gosselin wants to be a movie star. And her stunted soon-to-be-ex Jon yearns to return to the womb.The phony uber mom rattled off her aspirations on a special edition of the newly configured Kate Plus Eight last week. Sounding like she can't wait t ditch the kids, Kate said--despite frequent whining about the paparazzi--she's been on "TV so long, being in front of the camera is natural." So yeah, in case there was any doubt, she wants a solo gig. Oh, and while she's making a wish list, the former nurse with nary an acting credit would love a big screen career. Or at least she'd like to be a cartoon character. Done, my dear. Kate's probably blue with envy over the Playboy cover animated matriarch Marge Simpson recently scored. And you know the follicly odd Kate must be coveting Mrs. Simpson's high blue do, too.

Kate still says she's only doing it "for the kids," but if there's anyone still doing time on the planet who buys that, I haven't run into them. Like I said, she's not a very skilled actress. She can't conceal her craving for the spotlight and all the cash that comes with it. Jon, on the other hand, is a bit of an enigma. He seems to love the limelight, but has an approach-avoidance thing going on, as he also seeks to retreat from it. Usually with young women. Frequently at nightclubs, the favored playgrounds of the dreaded paparazzi who snap those pesky(and often unflattering) tabloid photos.

In a recent tabloid story, Jon's "soul mate" du jour, Haley Glassman complains about his "mantrums," a cutesy term she coined top describe his "Jekyll and Hyde" snits. Looks like after years of abuse from the control-freak shrew, the thirty-something slob needs re-parenting himself. "He's so mean sometimes," Haley told People. "But I still love him." Maybe Haley--whose dad is the plastic surgeon who crafted Kate's post-pregnancy tummy tuck--needs a little counseling herself. Or maybe she likes the media attention and perks that come with hanging onto the discarded reality show star.

Jon who inexplicably divides his time between the big house in Pennsylvania(on weeks where he's got custody) and a swanky bachelor pad in Trump Tower in NYC, had an epiphany. He just woke up one morning--right after TLC axed him from the show--and realized "growing up in front of the cameras can't be good for the kids." So he slapped a cease and desist order on the network. Meanwhile, he's shopping himself around for all sorts of high-brow projects including something called Divorced Dads Club, a reality show with luminaries like Mike Lohan and Kevin Federline attached to it.

And now the Octomom wants in. The media hog nut job--who has had a well-televised "war of words" with Kate--says she's got a crush on Jon. Hmmm... can the new show Octo-Jon be far behind? If there are cameras and cash, these desperadoes will be there.

In fact,forget TLC; they should launch a new network, BPN--Bad Parents Network-- which would feature a roster of favs and newcomers. Look for shows like Kate Nixes the Eight & Starts to Date and Balloon Behind Bars, the infamous Henee family's long-awaited show. And there's room for shows featuring that crazy Craigslist mom who posted a sexy little ad to taunt her daughter's nine year old "rival". And a late night sleaze fest featuring the sicko dad who seduced his own teen daughter on facebook.

With so many parents behaving badly there's no end to BPN's future. With room to grow.

Drive safe. Play nice. think peace.


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